Letter – Town Centre is Like a Warzone

I HAVEN’T been into the centre of town on a Friday or Saturday night in twenty years and nor will I.
It becomes a warzone at those times with all manner of loutish behaviour.
Why won’t the council do something?
Robert Shaw,
Local resident

Letter – Recycling is a Waste of Time

WHY can’t we go back to the old bins? Previously our bin was emptied every week. Now we are supposed to sort our rubbish into recyclable materials and ordinary household waste. The recycling is collected one week and the ordinary rubbish the next.
My point is that the rubbish is collected only once a fortnight as opposed to once a week, yet our bin is barely twice the size.
The council say that if we are recycling properly we shouldn’t fill the bin within a fortnight. Well we are a family of three and routinely produce 15 extra bin bags of rubbish. Explain that.
Helen Moreover,
Local resident

Letter – Modern Life is Rubbish

IT SEEMS that not a week goes by when I don’t read about one of the town’s youths getting involved in a brawl on a Friday night or spraying graffiti on a wall.
Back when I was a teenager, me and my friends often went a week without getting into trouble. Of course we stole, as all kids do, but it was probably only about once a month. Sometimes we got in fights on a Friday night, but again, it wasn’t every week.
Sometimes we even went so far as to lie in wait for a pretty young girl. You had to be forceful with them back then. It was all good fun though. From reading this publication, it seems that modern youths go too far.
Name and address supplied

Letter – It’s Just Not Cricket

IT’S JUST not cricket, I say. Why are people starting up a local under-11s cricket team when there are so many other more important things to be done.
There’s the yob culture blighting our town centre and paedeophiles stalking the streets. Wouldn’t we be better off tackling those before messing about with bats and balls.
Maude Morrison,
Local resident

Running Costs

A DAD in training to raise funds for a local charity has pledged to do ‘whatever it takes’ to get in shape for his 5km run.

Father of two, Thomas Doyle, 36, who has no health problems whatsoever, started training for his 5km run six months ago. “I’ve been going probably two or three times a month overall, although I was slow starting and recently I’ve eased off a bit. It still shows how committed I am to this good cause though.

“I’ll probably have to walk a good deal of the 5km to be honest, but as long as I get round, that’s the main thing.”

If Thomas manages to get round the 5km course, he stands to make £12,000 for the Institute of Hard Times Supportmanship, a new charity that has been set up to comfort the financially secure at times of bad business deals.

Thomas said: “There’s a lot of caring for the needy these days, but most of them just steal from you and then take heroin. People forget that there are hard-working people out there who occasionally find themselves going through a hard time with work.

“How many of the needy have lost potential six figure contracts with clients? None. It’s about time somebody recognised that fact and supported the victims. It’s no good consoling them. They need cold, hard cash.”

For further donations, contact Paul at his website.

Picture Brings Back Memories

AFTER the Local News published a photograph of the town centre taken in 1936, the newsdesk has been inundated with calls and e-mails from readers.

Maureen Gough, 70, phoned up to say: “1936 was the year that I was born. It was so good to see what the town was like back then. I remember it well, even though the whole place was demolished and rebuilt completely differently in 1937. Thanks for bringing back the memories Local News.”

Peter Dowd, a regular correspondent, 45, wrote: “1936 was a great year for the local area. If only we could go back to those days. There was no yob culture back then. Sure, a few youngsters occasionally had one too many, but nobody of our ethnicity ever got hurt.”

So there you have it. The Local News has put a spring back in everyone’s step by printing a photograph of what something used to look like.

Local Primary School is Number One

ST JESUS’ Primary School for God has been named best in the county. St Jesus’, which is a private school, implements a controversial policy whereby any student deemed to be unfit can be asked to leave despite their parents paying a lump sum at the start of each school year.

St Jesus’ headteacher, Alderley Stewart-Hyde defended the policy. “It’s clear from the results in this report that our approach is paying dividends. It means that every single one of our students is performing to the required standard. Consequently we have outshone other schools in the area drastically.”

Trevor Baines a Year 5 pupil at the school said: “It’s pretty miserable having to work the whole time, but we’ll appreciate it when we’re heading up vast global corporations and the like.

“I miss my friend Charles sometimes, but he only took part in seven or eight extra-curricular activities a week, so he was asked to leave. My mum says I’m better off without him because he’ll only end up becoming a miner or a wino.”

Parents interested in sending their children to St Jesus’ Primary School for God should contact the head attaching a CV and bank statement.

No Crime By 2010 Says Police Chief

REGIONAL police supremo Chief Superintendent Carl Cow, today revealed that the regional police force will have erased crime by 2010.
Speaking exclusively to the Local News, he outlined the police's aims for the future and outlined how crime will be a thing of the past within four years.
"There may be some pockets of crime remaining in 2009 - graffiti and so forth - but by the end of the year that will all be gone".
When asked how he reached this forecast, Cow answered: "Ah, you know".

Letter - Local Radio Ga Ga

I SEE that we now are going to be treated to some ‘community’ radio. You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you.
With all the paedophiles around, we don’t need community radio. We need more bobbies on the beat.
William Cheam
Address supplied

It Just Isn't Fayre

THE local church’s recent fundraiser was a big disappointment after a spelling mistake led to a small turnout.
Christian, Terry Dailly, 45, explained: “It was the annual church fayre, unfortunately, whoever did the signs spelt it ‘fair’.”
Organisers were shocked to see the sign outside the church hall when they arrived, but shock gave way to desperation as it became clear that visitors were staying away in droves.
Margaret Horslick, the sultry chief fundraiser, 55 said: “When we saw the sign, we knew it would be trouble. I mean everyone knows that a fair is nothing to boast about. We’ve been having a fayre for years and it’s always been a great success. You know what they say: ‘If it ain’t broke’.”
The church plans on having a church fayre in two weeks’ time to make up for the disaster.
“We’re going to call it Ye Olde Churche Fayre,” said Margaret. “We don’t want to leave anything to chance.”

Women’s Institute Hear Talk On Race Hate

THE local Women’s Institute heard a talk on the subject of race crimes on Wednesday.
After the talk, chairwoman, Marjorie Mackerel thanked the speaker, Mr Nathaniel Albright and the ladies enjoyed scones and home-made marmalade.
Next week’s meeting will feature a talk entitled ‘Explicit Lesbianism in Cinema’.

You’d Better Roll With It

YOU’VE heard of tumble weed. Well blonde 28-year-old stunner, Jenny, is more of a ‘tumble Reed’.
For local girl Jenny Reed is rolling down a hill for charity. Spinning Jenny first got the idea when she saw some fat guy fall over near the top of town.
“He tripped on a paving flag and went straight over. It’s quite steep round there and before he could get up, he’d picked up a head of steam and rolled over a couple of times.
“I thought to myself, ‘hey, that looks like fun’, so I decided to give it a go”.
Jenny, who will be performing her sponsored roll on the steep gradient at the far end of the park, is giving her sponsorship money to Coldcare – the charity that helps look after people with colds.
“My mum had a cold quite recently, so it’s a cause that’s quite close to my heart.”
If you would like to sponsor Jenny, contact us here at Local News and let’s hope she gets enough bank notes to keep in a roll like a wise guy.

Women’s Institute Hear Talk on Nihilism

THE local Women’s Institute heard a talk on the subject of ‘applications for nihilism in the modern era’, last Wednesday.
After the talk, chairwoman, Marjorie Mackerel thanked the speaker, a hobo and the ladies enjoyed gold and some diamonds.
Next week’s meeting will feature a talk entitled ‘Vox Pops: What do you think?’.

Thugs Deface Blackboard

MINDLESS thugs broke into the local secondary school on Monday and daubed graffiti everywhere.
It is thought that they gained entrance through the main gate some time between 11am and 1pm. Once inside they defaced several blackboards with chalk graffiti.
Headteacher, Henry MacKenzie branded the vandals ‘mindless’. He said: “It’s yet another example of the yob culture which is infesting our towns and cities.”
Asked to comment on the content of the graffiti, he explained: “It looked to be algebra, but not any that we teach as part of the curriculum. Really it’s just mindless vandalism.
“Their parents must be very proud. The cost of cleaning this up is immeasurable”.
Leggy blonde parent, Helen Stewart, 36, commented: “I just don’t believe it. You don’t expect it in a nice town like this”.
Gary Findley, a joiner, who was collecting his children from school, added: “They should be shot”.
Police are appealing for witnesses.

Letter: Yob Behaviour is Blight on Town

LIKE many other people, I watched Jamie’s School Dinners over the summer and rejoiced as he persuaded schools to adopt healthier menus for students.
That is all well and good, but what about the yob culture blighting our towns and cities.
Maybe it’s time we did something about that.
Leonard Frost
Resident

MP Backs NWA Campaign

LOCAL MP, Sir Toby Moray, has offered his full support to the Newcomers Wished Away (NWA) campaign.
The campaign targets new residents in the town and hounds them until they leave. In a statement to the press, Sir Toby said: “People arrive in this town and we don’t know who they are. We must act positively to rid ourselves of this increasing menace”.
NWA spokesman, Clive Hayward, welcomed the MP’s support. “It is a great boost to this campaign that we can draw on the support of our local MP.
“Not a month goes by without somebody new arriving in this town and we must not stand for it any longer.
“I received a whole batch of letters last week about a middle-aged man who had moved into a house on Park Street. Obviously the residents are concerned that he is a paedophile and we must act swiftly.
“Now we can call upon the MP’s backing, our battle will be that much easier”.
NWA meet every Wednesday in St David’s Methodist Church.

Hero Kids Escape Capture

POLICE are looking into an incident that took place on Sunday where two ten-year-olds were nearly kidnapped.
Leroy Cole and Mark Adham were playing football in the road when an oncoming car slowed down. The boys, thinking quickly, ran off before anything could happen.
Leroy’s mother, Carla, a 32-year-old brunette, said: “I dread to think what could have happened if the boys hadn’t got away.
“It could have been a paedophile in the car or anything”.
Detective Pemberton commended the boys’ actions: “They’re true heroes the pair of them. In today’s society, you never know what might happen”.
Next week the police will commence Operation Starburst, an initiative designed to keep paedophiles off the roads.

Borg Talk For WI

THE local Women’s Institute heard a talk on the subject of the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation, last Wednesday.
After the talk, chairwoman, Marjorie Mackerel thanked the speaker, Mr Hackman and the ladies enjoyed crumpets and home-made marmite.
Next week’s meeting will feature a talk entitled ‘Necrophilia: Weirdos or Victims?’.

Drink Driver Escapes Conviction

ELAINE Braintree, 42, escaped a jail sentence yesterday on a technicality.
Sandwin LaRoche, defending, pointed out a breach of police procedure during her blood test back at the station.
The officer in charge of taking the blood sample neglected to fully brief Mrs Braintree on what was happening in clear contravention of standard police procedure.
When asked why he had neglected to do so, the officer in question replied: “She was absolutely legless. She kept falling on her face. I didn’t think that she would understand”.
Mrs Braintree had been caught in the driver’s seat of her BMW when it had been found on the bowling green of the New Inn pub, where she had been drinking.
This was the third occasion that Mrs Braintree had been charged with drink driving, but without conviction.

Carl Betson, a 25-year-old plumber, was yesterday banned from driving for three years and fined £80 after reaching twelve penalty points on his licence.
He had been stopped by police after they noticed a faulty brake light. Mr Betson protested that he had not known the light was broken and that the bulb must have gone that day.
The court decided to uphold his ban and warned Betson: “Maybe now when you start experiencing difficulties in your work, you will understand the importance of road safety”.

Letter: What About Our Footpaths?

I SEE that our local MP is attempting to tackle the problem of yob behaviour outside the Late Shop on Main Street.
This is all well and good, but perhaps he would be better off addressing the issue of dog excrement on our footpaths.
C Donnelly,
Local resident.

Cat Burglar

PENSIONER, Malcolm Poddle and his wife Hilda were the victims of the PURR-FECT crime last Monday.
Malcolm, a retired automotive engineer, had been gardening outside for most of the morning. When he returned inside, he made a terrible discovery.
The small chicken that Hilda had removed from the freezer to defrost had vanished.
“At first I thought that it must be the work of some local yobs, but then I noticed some of the wrapping near the door through to the hallway”.
The budding Sherlock Holmes, who is an amateur neurologist in his spare time, followed the trail all the way upstairs where he caught the thief red handed. Or should it be ‘red pawed’.
Malcolm’s cat Bobsled was gnawing away at the chicken in the middle of Malcolm’s bedroom.
“I’ve never seen anything like it”, said Malcolm. “Who would have thought that a cat would eat chicken.
“It was quite funny, but there’s a serious side as well. Myself and Hilda kept saying to each other, ‘what if there had been a baby about?’
“I mean, if a cat can get into a wrapped chicken, it could definitely hurt a baby or even a toddler.
“Fortunately, our children are in their forties now, but plenty of other cat owners have young children. They should be made aware of the dangers”.
Despite this near miss, Malcolm can still look on the bright side: “Maybe if some hooligans do try and steal our tea, Bobsled will fight them for it”.